Arthur's Grief
by fanfictionlover101
Summary: Tag to 5x13. Arthur deals with Kubler-Ross' model of grief. Individual chapters for denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Not slash.
1. Denial

Arthur's Grief

**A/N: Apparently this is what happens after my exams are all over and they give me time off of work. Unfortunately, I just got around to writing it now. It definitely turned out differently than I had originally planned (isn't it funny how that goes?) But I hope you enjoy!**

Denial

I have known Merlin for years. Thirteen in fact (although it seems like a lifetime to me. A lifetime of bad service, of cold meals, of late wake up calls, of never being there, of annoying chatter, of lies, and goofing off, and bad hunting trips, and cold baths, and, well, you get the point).

Nevertheless, there were thirteen years of Merlin being clumsy and stupid, and late, and lazy and a dollophead.

And saving my life.

But I am _not_ mentioning that. Not now. Not here. And not in the traitors' presence.

Merlin had been _loyal_. And _kind_. And _good_. He couldn't be a sorcerer. Magic was evil, and Merlin was, well, decidedly not.

Merlin also couldn't lie to save his life. He couldn't. Really.

How could someone so Merlin (so Merlin that he actually was, indeed, Merlin) manage to fool him so completely? Nope, not a sorcerer.

Really.

The point is, there is no way _Mer_lin could be a sorcerer. I'm most definitely _not_ that dense (no matter what Merlin (and Sir Gwaine) says).


	2. Anger

Anger

Damn it! All these years he had had a sorcerer under his nose, as his _servant_ and he hadn't even noticed! All those years of his father warning him about magic and its users: to be weary of them. Never trust them. And he had trusted one explicitly! There was no one who knew him better!

And now he had been betrayed.

By his _best friend_ (but not really. After all, servants and kings could _not_ be best friends (serving girls becoming queen notwithstanding of course)).

Merlin had been lying this whole time! About everything! How could he ever trust him again. Time and time again, as person after person had betrayed him, Merlin had been the one that he could always rely on. The one who stood by him at all costs.

And he was nothing but a filthy, lying, scheming, no-good, evil sorcerer who was bent on gaining power.

How could he have been so _blind_! After all, everyone left him. Everyone betrayed him.

So why shouldn't Merlin?


	3. Bargaining

Bargaining

Okay, so maybe Merlin was a sorcerer. After all, he had now seen Merlin conjure a dragon out of fire, start a column of smoke to distract two of the Saxons, and then had thrown them so hard he killed them.

Not to mention everything else he was seeing.

But maybe Merlin hadn't always known magic? Maybe he had just started to study it, to face Morgana. Which wasn't a servants' job. (But neither was facing dragons, and standing up to the Prince, and lying to the king, and being a hero).

I wish I hadn't been so blind.

I wish I didn't trust people, _my_ people so easily.

I wish Merlin wasn't a sorcerer.

I wish Morgana wasn't a sorceress.

I wish Uther didn't hate magic.

I wish my mother had never died.

I just wish that none of this had ever happened.

What if magic never existed? Then Merlin wouldn't have betrayed me. Morgana wouldn't have betrayed me.

Camelot would never have been attacked so many times.

My father wouldn't have died.

My _mother_ wouldn't have died.

Why was everything for magic?

I would give up everything I have – my status, my birth, my land, my life, for Merlin to not have told me what he did. For him to laugh and say, "just kidding!" with that annoying grin of his. For him to tell me it was some kind of optical illusion.

I would give up everything to have my best friend back.


	4. Depression

Depression

What's the point of going to this island if there's nothing left for me in the land of the living? I've already felt betrayal of the worst kind, experienced the worst pain, and lost almost everything I've ever loved.

I can join my mother. And not worry about traitorous servants and half-sisters, and wives, and uncles, and who knows how many knights at this point (because if there are so many family members who have betrayed me, why not throw in some knights and commoners?(not counting Mordred because I already know about his betrayal)).

I'm lonely and tired of losing. Tired of fighting. I have no strength left. I have no one left to trust.

Merlin keeps pushing me.

I want to scream at him, tell him to stop. Cut off his head maybe.

Even after this betrayal though, he's been nothing but _nice_. Nothing but my _servant_. Isn't that just a joke.

I keep replaying in my head Dragoon's power. The power to destroy _armies_. And I keep trying to connect him to Merlin. But they can't be one and the same. Dragoon is evil. He almost had Gwen killed, and killed my father. Merlin has always been there for support and strength. Even when no one else believed in me, when no one else stood beside me, Merlin did. If they are the same person, who is really on my side?

Most of all, he reminds me of Morgana. I trusted her too. And she has spent the past few years trying to kill me and take my throne, torturing and killing innocent people to get there. And she used to be so sweet and kind and just. She was my sister and she turned into a monster.

I know that will happen to Merlin too. I know that magic only destroys and corrupts, and turns people into monsters. I know that magic makes you power-hungry and evil.

I can't watch Merlin turn into that.


	5. Acceptance

Acceptance

Merlin is no monster. He does not enjoy killing those two Saxons on the hill. He has never even enjoyed hunting, and he doesn't even seem to enjoy killing Morgana (and neither do I like the death of my sister, but I must admit that I am relieved that it's finally over).

I have watched Merlin for two days. He says little, but he uses his magic only to hide us, to help us. He does not simply destroy those looking for us.

They say your life flashes before your eyes when you die. I suppose it does, even those moments I had long forgotten.

"_Hey, come on, that's enough."_

"_What?"_

"_You've had your fun, my friend."_

"_Do I know you?"_

"_I'm Merlin."_

"_So I don't know you."_

"_No."_

"_Yet you called me friend."_

"_That was my mistake."_

"_Yes, I think so."_

"_I would never have a friend who could be such an ass"._

I really was an ass back then. Everything that I stand against now, I was all that and then some. And Merlin helped me become the man I am today.

Someone who would not run after a commoner with a mace, trying to take his head off (although my list of people I would do that to only contains Merlin and Gwaine, and while the former is just too pitiful to run after, the latter is perhaps, almost, as good as I am and able to escape).

Someone who would not throw knives at a person running around for target practice (although that may be only because I am so good at it now, I might just as well not waste my time).

Merlin has never shown anything but kindness to anyone. He has never been anything but loyal. He has had years in which to kill me. Years to get his revenge and to take my throne. He has had chance after chance to let me fall. And yet, he has been the one to push me, to make me regain my faith and my strength. He has trusted me even when everything seemed hopeless. And I have to admit (but only because I'm dying), that without him, Camelot would not have become the place it is today.

My father ruled in fear of being overthrown, and in return, the people did not so much respect him as fear him. He was cold and ruthless. He was unjust in many cases, and there were times when he did not handle things well. A traditionalist, he believed that his people should die for him. And I suppose that would have shown unwavering loyalty. But he never really did anything to deserve it.

I hope that I have ruled justly. That I have won over my people with honour and bravery, and that they respect me. They have fought with me, and they have laid down their lives for me, as I would for any of them. Of course, I owe that all to Merlin.

Looking back now, I see that magic has always been there. At a branch that has fallen on an assailant behind me. At hurricanes, and storms, and footprints that always lead the right way. I now understand that the only reason I am alive for this moment is because of magic. Because of Merlin.

"_Listen, there's something I want to say."_

"_You're not going to say goodbye."_

"_No. Merlin. Everything you've done, I know now. For me, Camelot, or the kingdom you helped me build."_

"_You would've done it without me."_

"_Maybe. I want to say something I've never said to you before. Thank you."_

I believe that Gauis has told Gwen, or that she has figured it out, and I believe she will make the right choice. That she will bring magic back to Camelot.

Magic isn't so bad. Only the people who choose to do evil.

There are those like Merlin too though. Those who only want the world to be a better place. Those who want others to accept them for who they are. To not judge them based on what their kind has done.

Magic has been horrible to me, but it has also brought me the greatest gift I could imagine.

A servant named Merlin.


End file.
